Strawberry Fields Read online

  strawberry fields

  hilary plum

  Yet through the country of

  My eyes had no color but what they saw

  Zach Savich

  All I was holding was a chocolate bar and a cigarette when they opened fire on us.

  protestor, 2011

  to Zach

  the American

  The children’s suffering has been unimaginable. Many escaped from the militias under threat of death, walked sometimes hundreds of miles, often pursued, to refugee camps. Others were found in the front of the ranks when the militias surrendered or were overtaken. On liberation they entered a years-long system of refugee camp after camp, endless bureaucratized attempts to locate their families, intermittent efforts at therapy, and lengthy applications for ultimate relocation, most of their villages gone. We conducted our interviews primarily at the refugee camps. For many it was their second or third camp, and what they were most concerned about was finding their families, often one sibling in particular, whom they asked us about repeatedly, hoping we could help or believing that’s why we were there. We’re journalists, we told them, though we’ll try to help, and we told them the names of our news services or home countries, in which they showed no interest. Our interpreters were almost always child soldiers, now employed by NGOs, and we didn’t know how accurate their translations were. I believe now that sometimes we pursued only the inquiries of the interpreter. One, whom I will call Tamim, often cried, and refused to speak to many of the children.

  Some of the children we could speak to directly because they had learned English or French, usually the English from missionaries, we concluded from their vocabulary and the tone of their replies. A few spoke English, however, with profoundly sophisticated grammar and sentence structure, and this was how we learned of the schoolmistress. Were you in school? we asked, unbelieving. Of course, the children said, school, every day we weren’t fighting. One boy borrowed our clipboard and drew a map of his native country, complete with the dotted lines negotiated in the last peace process. Next to it he copied out a list of names from memory, his script elegant despite his wounded right side (he walked with an awful limp): the names of his own militia’s leaders, and the charges already brought against them in the international courts, and then, in a separate list, the names of the president and his cabinet, their party affiliations and the dates they ascended to power, and, in some cases, their pending indictments as well. The school was here, he said, placing a dot on the map. Where is the village where you were born? we asked. I don’t know, he said, seeming upset that after all this we’d posed a question he could not answer correctly. We apologized and thanked him. Do you want to know who captured us, another boy said, we know those names too. This boy had been standing to the side silently, as he often was; a machete scar split his lip and he was hard to understand. The others called him by the name of a local bird because he could often be heard whistling, which his disfigured lip made him wildly good at, able to sustain two tones at once. He took the clipboard and wrote out three names of rebel leaders and seven names of villages. We believe they return here regularly for supplies, he said, all at once as though in recitation. In at least one case we knew he was correct. Who taught you this? we asked. They told us her name, which meant in their language, the beautiful one. Was she very beautiful? the Argentine human rights reporter asked. They shook their heads, laughing. Is she alive? we asked. They didn’t know. Later we learned that these very children had been through one of those seven villages and burned it, all the crops, dozens of villagers dead. One hut had been left standing, abandoned by the time the government forces came. I tried to find the boys again to see if they would say more, at the least who had led the attack. But by this time, only a week later, a new influx of refugees had arrived, and it was hard to find anyone in the camp. We journalists went nowhere without word traveling before us. As, where I’m from, it’s said you can tell from the birds whenever a bear moves through the forest, even distantly; at least this is what my grandfather would tell me, slowly pointing.

  We turned in copies of everything the boys reported to the camp administrators and representatives of the appropriate NGOs. Some just nodded, seeming to have seen this material before, and others, without taking our names or examining the documents, insisted they had already notified the military of every lead. What do you know of this school they attended? we asked. It’s not the first we’ve heard of it, Ellen, our favorite camp administrator, said. Who is the teacher? we asked. Ellen shook her head. You don’t think they made her up, the shorter Swedish radio journalist said. No, Ellen said, but children are easy to fool.

  Alice

  I traveled all night and it was 4:30 in the morning when I arrived at the hospital.

  Modigliani was standing outside the main entrance, behind him the yellow light of the hospital door, which gave his skin a distinct sheen and he was more radiant than I’d ever seen him. You look well, I said, and, not knowing whether to embrace him, extended a hand. Sure, last time I saw you, he said, we’d been living in that trailer for what, a month after the hurricane. There was no water, he said, as if satisfied to remember this detail, though the hurricane had been memorable and only five years had passed. It smelled like burned tires all the time, I said, all the way to the horizon, and nothing was ever dry.

  Come with me, he said, his hand on my shoulder and he turned toward the yellow glow, the doors sliding open before us.

  We passed through a long waiting room, where one teenage kid sat, arm wrapped in a towel, the TV in the corner rebroadcasting the senator’s resignation speech. In the halls there were orderlies, men who must have been patients, but no one greeted us, not a nod. I called you because I can trust you, Modigliani said, walking slower than I expected. It’s hard to know what inspires trust. He may have read my articles about the hurricane, his investigation, but if he had he never said. I think it was a volume of disquiet that we may have shared, or that we associated with one another. Together five years ago in the morgue where the highest number of flood-reclaimed bodies had been taken we’d discovered the fact of the shootings.

  I can’t exaggerate our discomposure, in the smell in that room, realizing that this man and this woman had not died of the water that left them now unrecognizable. The water from which they’d been retrieved with such tenacity and collective outcry, and which in receding seemed to have dulled the sky. Modigliani had in astonishment pushed at the bullet wound in the back of the head with his rubber-gloved finger, the young woman technician had cried out at him. In the last article in my series, published almost four years ago, I had noted with more than appropriate scorn that the investigation, which he had headed, was still open. There were rumors that something was in the hands of the state attorney general, but nothing has ever come of it, and I haven’t followed up. I have never wanted to return to that city.

  I’m going to tell you what you can talk about and what you can’t, Modigliani said, opening a door into what looked like a residential wing, wood paneling ceiling to floor. I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t, and I remembered that this, waiting for him to go on, was just what it had been like those months. The scene was now before us, at the end of this hallway, the usual sinister crowd of police and forensic workadays and photographers, yellow tape, nurses lingering, bringing coffee, usually, in my experience, in order to try to tell people what to do. The rooms where the crimes had occurred were down a small corridor to the right. Modigliani lifted the tape for me to duck under, at the same time tucking my press pass between the buttons of my blouse, the A of Alice the last letter to disappear. Five victims, he said, four men and one woman. But he’d said that already on the phone.r />
  The scenes I saw were more terrible than the photos that were to become ineluctable, and so those have always looked staged to me, somehow bowdlerized. They only released the photos taken after the bodies had been removed, so that in every newspaper you saw only blood, sheets twisted toward the floor as though to signify that the sleeper had been hauled out, thrown to the wall, drops of blood tossed everywhere over the small room, and one bright smear—bright when I saw it, darkened by the time the dailies’ photographers were permitted, what had been the body replaced by a tape sketch, almost unseeable.

  I saw too how the pages of a book had been torn out and laid across not the faces but the shoulders or breast, only some of the pages bloodied, the rest thin and delicate and still lifting and settling slightly with the movements of those of us in the room. A mass-market edition of a substantial volume, I thought, and said, It’s the Qur’an, in English. One of the forensics turned toward me and said, How did you know that?

  I recognize that edition, I said, I used to read it in a hotel room in nowhere, Turkey, I was on assignment, Black Sea oil thing—I mean, I brought it there myself, it wasn’t the hotel’s—I continued to explain, although no one was interested: perhaps this impulse was what Modigliani trusted in me. I looked at him, but he was talking again to the coroner.

  They were all vets of Iraq, Modigliani said, turning back toward me and gesturing me out of the room: A sniper, an infantryman, an MP, a bomb guy, and I don’t know what the other one was, he seems to have been some sort of liaison with the local forces, something like that, he was mostly in Basra. In here, he said, having maneuvered us through the crowded hallway to the next open door.

  Someone had pulled a sheet over the body, the woman, I learned, so that beneath the pages this time was a pale green cloth, reddened, a human form, but more peaceful, the bed beside it stripped bare. She was like that, he said. He said, If you want, I could tell you why I’m here, I mean, why I got called in.

  Later, I said.

  He said, Some guy upstairs saw two men running through the intersection down this hill—he pointed out the window—in the dark, he doesn’t know when. The guy can see the traffic light at the entrance and he heard brakes, then saw two men wearing black running through the intersection, he says. It’s a long ways off. We’ll look for the driver who stopped but don’t expect much. No one else heard anything, so we’re assuming they used silencers, but the guys here are pretty drugged up at night, most of them we couldn’t even wake up enough to interview, and the nurses said we had to wait and were starting to wave clipboards, which I’m sure you can talk to them about and they’ll invoke confidentiality.

  By now we were standing in the doorway of the third room, looking right at each other so as not to have to look into it. Although in this case the body was nearly obscured by the open closet door and an overturned chair. There’s this doctor here, a woman, who’s running a PTSD study, Modigliani said, these five were all her patients. You can interview her later today, she was too upset to talk to—I said to her, well, at least it’s not suicides.

  I shouldn’t have said that, he added, but we’re all human.

  He said, You can print that they all served over there, and someone shot them, but we don’t know how they were connected and we won’t discuss our leads. In a few more hours you can probably just use their names. He was looking at me as though he expected me to write this down, but whenever I’m at a scene I keep my hands in my pockets. It seems like that’s just the truth, I said. Modigliani nodded.

  Theresa

  The girls wanted cigarettes and magazines. I was told to bring nothing; the doctors were quite clear. Come on, I said to the orderly who saw me slipping this contraband out from under my too-big black smock, the girls surrounding me, their hands a grasping arrangement of bones. She frowned. I dressed now under the influence of the girls, everything too big for me. Tunics and flowing pants that a drawstring hardly secured. Pulled my hair back, bright lipstick. The girls were not fooled, anyone could see I wasn’t one of them. My tunic didn’t hang square and wide but hugged my breasts, my pant legs taut with muscle and flesh, how I filled every chair. Even my hands were unlike theirs, when I pushed my phone across the table between us, my arm, slim as it was, had a softness.

  Tell me why you’re here. I pressed record.

  Some shrugged, some looked at me scornfully. Some, like M, told whole life stories: teen rebellion, heroin, sex, a band I was surprised anyone could have taken so seriously, the clichéd reactions of Mom and Dad, and then—her hands thrown wide to encompass the tasteful institutional room, the sounds of television and whir of the one feeding-tubed girl in her purgatory in the corner—and then they sent me here. To recover. With this last phrase she made air quotes, twin twitch of her red-polished nails, and snapped her gum. Her breath was foul.

  This is my boyfriend, one girl said—I call her L, very gentle—and showed me a photo. In the photograph her face was still rounded like the child she was, she looked bobble-headed, her hand pressed to a boy’s chest and hips turned toward his in a pose normal enough but which her frail body made look obscene. He was regular-looking, frosted hair, graphic T-shirt, athletic shorts. To make her shorts shorter she’d rolled the waist into a thick rope that sat low on her hips. You guys look so cute, I said. Does he come to visit? It was too far for visits, a five-hour flight from her home to the center. The girls came here from all over the country—after treating that one teen pop queen the center had received so much attention, its star in ascendance (as I myself had written), that the waiting list for admittance was now well over a year long. Exceptions possible for those in medical crisis. Unlike other treatment programs, the director had told me, we radically remove women from the family environment.

  In the leisure room I surveyed the girls playing cards, sharing earbuds, watching TV (the center’s own channel, expurgated of negative imagery), or even—though many were old enough to vote, go to college, have families of their own—coloring quietly, trading pencils that one girl took it upon herself each morning to sharpen. The girls bickered and were in moments, I knew, very cruel. But seeing them it was natural to think that they must somehow have birthed one another, emerged together from a mythic sea, surf and light gracing their spectral forms, salt glistening in the hair that furred their limbs. All my girls stay in touch, one of the psychiatrists had told me, gesturing to the postcards and snapshots that crowded a bulletin board behind her. Skinny women sitting implausibly in front of birthday cakes; a small girl embracing a dog; two perfectly normal women at the beach, in oversized sunglasses and matching orange-and-white-flowered bikinis, a roll of flesh perched atop the elastic of the bottoms, and I searched their faces for a hint of which one might once have been here, in a body now abandoned, disappeared. Thirty to forty percent recovery rate is the norm, the psychiatrist said, we hope to improve on that drastically, and so far our results are encouraging. But it’s too soon, of course, to say.

  I toured the grounds, the riding stables and ring, the vegetable garden, a field of badminton nets billowing. There’s no pool and that’s deliberate, my guide, Dr. Harrison, said. Harrison treated the medically urgent cases, those patients who were transferred here directly from hospitalization elsewhere; the center had five fully equipped rooms. Several of the girls you’ve met came to us in that condition, he said. Two young girls with half-braided hair, knees large as apples, walked past us, lugging between them a bucket of carrots presumably meant for the horses. The two youngest, Harrison said, they get along well.

  At all the centers I’d been to thus far I’d observed mealtimes. The girls lifting fork to mouth, fork to mouth, not looking at one another, or talking too much and too brightly, fingers fussing their food into heaps and crumbs. I watched the staff watch them, documented the forms and styles of their interventions: sitting next to the girls and counting bites, or simply walking down the rows and placing both hands on a set of shoulders in
silence. Here my request to sit in at a meal had been refused. We take a strict disciplinary approach, I was told, and employ innovative therapeutic procedures. I’m sorry. The girls told me little more. I was provided several weeks’ worth of menus and their nutritional values, as well as the CVs of every worker involved in meal planning. But no more, not even a sample meal of my own. I returned to my interviews, determined to speak to every girl. This afternoon like every other as soon as I sat down J brought me a cup of coffee, two Sweet’n Lows. I like your bracelet, B said, her fingers on the filigreed silver. The girls were always touching one another, the orderlies, even me. Just to cross the room they threaded their wrists through one another’s elbows, they walked down the hall to mealtimes holding hands. When the feeding tube broke out in its wretched beeping, a girl sprang up to rub its blockage clear, the girl to whom it was attached murmuring a thank you from her doze on the couch. B’s fingers were cold on my wrist, her clavicle a pool of shadow dark enough to hide a coin in. Thank you, I said, touching the bracelet myself—It was my grandmother’s.

  Really? All my grandmother’s jewelry is so ugly, T said, from where she was sitting at the far end of the table, playing solitaire and listening in. Oh, mine too, I said, this was in a box of things she never wore.

  Daniel

  In those days the story everyone wanted was the story of the mistress shared by the General and his son, but no one had anything. Once a week or so, an editor or all-around no one at whatever service would ask, or I’d get a furious text message claiming that someone else had a scoop, get on it, that someone had seen her getting into a car in one of the old bourgeois neighborhoods or leaving a resort in Switzerland or the Sudan. None of this ever panned out. Do they even have resorts in the Sudan? we’d ask in the basement the hotel manager had given over to us, after a photographer had been shot on the balcony two years ago, the glint of his lens catching the eye of a tank gunman, the tank gun swiveled so quickly, everyone who had seen it said. One maid had been deafened. So we hunkered down belowground, our sat phones in competition, calls getting through in slow motion, so it seemed, in the corner our tower of beer cans like a monument to the teetering West. I was in Sudan for two years, one guy said, Khartoum. I have often forgotten that about myself, he added—It was after the embassy bombings, but you have no idea how little happened after that.